Ladies, we need to have a talk.
Friends, we need to have a heart to heart. Our churches across America are experiencing a serious lack in women walking together with other women as the body of Christ. Just in my little corner of the world, I see younger women turning more and more to the internet for answers, opinions, and help because they have no older women involved in their life. They need help, wisdom, kindness, and someone who will take the time to look them in the eye, and sit with them for a while, and ask them how they’re REALLY doing. But no one in the church is there. So instead they go to the other (easier and readily available option), the internet. Those beautiful Instagram photos with a perfectly placed Bible drenched in the morning sun beside a steaming latte? That’s not real and that’s not truth (and most of them know that, but also kinda wonder if it is real and they’re doing something wrong). Who will walk along with them and show them life in Christ?
I’ve been thinking for a while now about why women aren’t involved more deeply with each other and came up with a few ideas. But I want to hear yours too because I know I’m missing some, but here’s what I think:
- When someone needs help, the first thing we think is “They need to see a counselor” and write ourselves out of the equation. (I’m not saying that people don’t need counselors, but sometimes they just need a caring friend who will have them over for tea and point them back to Jesus.)
- We feel unequipped. What if they have a question we don’t know? What if they tell you something that is really hard and you don’t know what to do? That’s scary, so we go back to option 1, they need a counselor.
- We have filled our lives up with so much busyness there is no margin to squeeze someone in. (My fellow introverts, I understand that this is quite often a subconscious way to get out of social things. I’ve been guilty too. Stop it. Be available. Use your energy up on your sisters in Christ! And learn to rest–truly rest– in between times.)
- We’ve taken additional jobs and spend our time and energy there. I understand some women do have to work. Especially now with inflation so stupid high. But, if you find you are working to upgrade STUFF or get more STUFF or do more STUFF. I urge you to reevaluate. I’ve seen a lot of empty-nest, or nearly empty-nest women do this, and they are the ones that we really need speaking into lives!
- We’re bitter because we’ve been hurt and/or don’t like some of the women in church. Maybe no one helped you. Maybe someone made a comment that hurt and offended you and you’re still holding onto that (that’s sin –on your part —that you need to confess and repent of). We are called to love and serve our brethren. That’s the women you see on Sunday. Even the ones who annoy or offend you.
- We’ve stopped going to church. We might attend service, but we’re not involved in church. So we don’t know other women. COVID ruined a lot of things for a while but that’s actually a lame excuse. If you can go to church, but are mostly streaming church services, you are failing to obey Scripture.
- We haven’t found The Perfect Church. All the churches near us are full of guilty, hypocritical sinners. (Refer back to point 6.)
- We don’t want to be vulnerable. Dealing with the messy stuff of life is so exhausting. I get it. And if you want to get to the real REAL stuff, it’s gonna require vulnerability, time, and energy. And we figure that it’s just not worth it… but is that true?
So here’s the deal. I’ve been meeting with and discipling young ladies for many years now. And I am by NO MEANS an expert. I’m muddling along, most of the time completely unsure of myself, but God keeps bringing them to me. So I want to share what I’ve learned over that time. I was going to do a blog series on NITTY GRITTY DISCIPLESHIP a few years ago, but never got around to it, and I’m glad I didn’t, because I’ve learned even more since then. But, even though I’ll never be an expert on this, and I’ll never feel fully ready, the church is in desperate need, so I better start talking about it. This series is not going to be “5 Easy Steps to Discipleship” or “The One Thing you Need for Amazing Discipleship.” It will be honest and real. It will have resources. Real encouragement.
Will you help me make this a valuable series? Send me your thoughts through the “contact me” link at the top of this page, or post in the comments below. What do you think of discipleship? Do you do it? Do you need it? What’s hard? What do you need?
Discipleship is scary, but when we obey, step out in faith, and do the obedient thing the Lord is glorified. Does anything else matter? When we get to see our Savior face to face, will He be able to say ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it for one of the least of these brothers or sisters of Mine, you did it for Me.’ Matthew 25:40
Yes it is needed badly. I would love to help you. Kim Owen kimmer1503@gmail.com
I agree with a lot of what you said. As a mom with special needs adult children, where the care is still as intense as when they were younger, it is so lonely. I would love to have some women to walk through God’s Word with – and it doesn’t even have to be geared towards my needs as a special needs’ mom, just someone(s) that I could pray with/for, someone(s) that I could talk to about God’s Word – someone(s) that I could encourage when they are feeling indifferent, or that encourage me when I falter. You can contact me at any time – I would love to know how to do this. I have and continue to try to reach out to women locally and women online to build this, and have and continue to pray – asking God to help me with this.
Thanks for this post. Currently, I am teaching a Bible study to five ladies and I meet with one of them individually, consistently. Some of the trouble I have is believing that anyone would want to meet with me. When I finished homeschooling I wanted to reach out to younger homeschoolers, but felt that none of them wanted to hear what I had to say. So, God had me in a place of quiet for a few years. Now the ladies I meet with are eager for study. One thing I do with the young mom I meet with regularly is to send her a verse or two each morning for her to meditate on throughout the day. She is expecting her 4th child, oldest is 6, so she has her hands full and doesn’t get in the Word much.
I would like to see is some sort of book or curriculum, for lack of a better term, to walk through together. Many women’s mentoring studies are geared specifically Titus 2, which is fine, but I think a general discipleship is needed also. But, it is also difficult for busy moms to commit to something like that.
I’ve been in a church that had a structured program of matching women with each other and I don’t think that went as well. It needs to be organic
I would like to add that I was never formally discipled either, having come to Christ 50 years ago.
Yes! We are in desperate need of this!! Praying for you in this endeavor.
This is so true in many ways, I was fortunate enough that at our church we had a women’s group once a month, and we would discuss so many topics, and issues that would arise. In today’s world we don’t see much of this anymore, I feel it’s needed so much even if it’s once a month in churches, or to have an open line of communication when things do arise and we women need help. Praying that you will be Blessed during this process sister!!
Like Jennifer, I have spent quite a long time in the homeschooling community–so when I had more time available, I went to offer to that community first. They didn’t really need or want my help. So I kept my “feelers” out and went where the doors were open (an important thing I learned, that discipleship might end up totally different from what I envisioned it to be). The Lord has given me opportunities with middle schoolers, small group Bible study, and an online community. I agree that an organic process seems more appealing.
I agree this is definitely a need today. I was in ministry for about 30 years up until 2016. I mentored several young ladies over the years. It is an epidemic of women searching for answers on the internet. I have often wondered why there is not more discipling going on. Your explanations in your article are very true. There have been times when it seemed like I felt like Jennifer’s comment that I have a hard time believing someone would want to meet with me and I feel like no one wants to hear what I have to say. But I would be interested as well because it is a need. Sonja smsecrest@yahoo.com.
When I first accepted Christ I had no idea what I was suppose to do next. There was no follow up. I was left to figure this out in my own. Thus I began church hopping. All of the above was not apart of some churches I attended. This is a real need. Big need.
I would have loved to have a seasoned God believing older woman to helpme understand or to just be there.
From someone who didn’t get the guidance at the beginning it’s been a hard road to now. Thankful for women like you who has a heart for this in the church.
I’m sure I will learn from this and be able to apply to my life now.
I have been wanting a lady to mentor be through the next phase of life. I don’t see many senior women wanting to engage with anyone outside of specific age range, but it’s my need. I think this mentality is because the church doesn’t engage the variety of adult ages unless it’s a women’s church conference. Senior citizens are needed to mentor the 30, 40, and 50 year olds. (I’m 55.) I’ve homeschooled for 21 years and just graduated our last child. I know empty nesting is in the future and things do feel a little lonely with that thought.
I agree there is a continual need for life on life mentors. I also agree that it changes depending on your life phase. The important thing is that you are available. You begin with prayer and an open heart. God will then sent someone or someones to you. Sometimes it is one woman and you meet as often as you and the person can meet. Sometimes it’s a group. A friend and I led a Bible study where each person brought an ingredient for the supper, we prepared it together, while it cooked we did the Bible study, and we fellowshipped after by eating the supper. God leads with what to study in His word. I’ve done discipleship studies, topic studies, book of the Bible studies. All of them are great depending on what the needs of the people are that God sends your way. I’ve led larger Bible studies for my church and God has one person I’m called to meet with at their convenience. I’ve served in high school ministry with my husband when our sons were that age and God called me to mentor another youth leader half my age. Right now I’m doing a Bible study online with a girl I met in another state. The amazing thing is that it is all about God and He blesses me with wonderful women that make me grow in God!
I wholeheartedly support you in this endeavor. I am one of those “empty-nesters” whose voice you say is valuable. Unfortunately I haven’t found it valued by many others. In my 40’s, I had a younger women once express that she’d rather have someone relatable to her season in life than someone like me. Now in my 50’s, I made myself available to the women’s ministry and was asked to participate in the women’s ministry leadership team (that plans and brainstorms how to be more effective). I also was asked to facilitate the women’s Sunday School class. I still find it rare that a younger woman will take me up on an offer to have coffee sometime. When I was a young twenty-something, with small children and the overwhelm that goes with them, I was actively looking for an older woman to give me some hope. Along with some other friends of mine in the same season/situation, we sat down one day and discussed who was available to teach us just exactly HOW to love these husbands and children of ours and above all, God. The answer was sadly, no one. All the women had gone back to work or were traveling or simply not interested in us. It was the same in our homeschool group. As if the second they were out of the season of children, they wanted nothing more to do with it. One women literally said, “so long suckers! I’m out. I’ve done my time. Your time will come. Hang in there…” So we made a pact that day with our twenty-something selves: We would be for the younger women to come, what we wish we had then. We would become the older women we longed for – available, willing, humble and wise. I’m glad to say, every one of us is now involved in mentoring younger women to some degree and we have kept our vow that day. Two of us work in Pregnancy Help Centers as well. Thank you for this effort to shed light on this need. Its always been a passion of mine and I continue to trust that God will bring whoever He leads into my life to serve.
A resounding YES to all you’ve shared.
I think we also need Biblical mentors as many (myself included) are in the dis-untangling process. Those who’ve grown up in “church”, but it wasn’t sound, Biblically…or even Biblical at all.
This is an area I see great need for. And yet, I completely unqualified to show others the way yet.
Also, what do boundaries look like for a healthy mentorship?
Thank you 💓
I crave discipleship. I long for the deep conversations. I even presented this to one older lady in our church who has been a leader in many ways in our church, and she agreed this was a good thing. But then left in my court to define what to do. I have no idea. Do I suggest a book we read together? Or do I declare a topic that we can discuss next time we meet and we both need to be prepared? I just don’t know.
On the other hand, I am working to be present in several other women’s lives, both older and younger than me, as mentor or discipler. From my experience of frustration, I’m thinking about how to be intentional and even define the relationship/ process. I think that discipleship is the crux of what we do as Christians, but its hard and most people don’t want to do the hard thing.
Hi Kari,
I came upon your website entirely by “accident!” It’s no accident and I’m happy to have found you and your blog!
I agree that young women have no one to turn to these days. They may live far from their families or may have broken families and not have a church family, leaving them with no one to turn to for guidance. That’s one of the problems currently facing our country and world–the lack of discipleship and guidance on living. Mentors are missing from the picture.
Your blog is filling a void for many women (of all ages), I’m pretty sure!
God bless,
Sherry